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in the beginning, there was chaos
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1st-Jan-2025 11:59 pm - g a s l i g h t i n g

s e m i - p u b l i c
intro post // fanfiction // tumblr
this journal is mostly public, friend to read locked entries!

4th-Mar-2016 09:23 pm - .
nathan smoking
I have been in a strange mood these past few days. I know what's missing, but it's not something easily found (obtained?). I'm happy but ambivalent. Everything is flowing smoothly and life is the best it's ever been. I have stability, strong ethic, energy, and the willpower to get things done. I got the job I wanted, it has great pay. School is going well. I'm still not financially independent, but I've got another year to sort that out. Physical wellness is more or less the same, though I've been cooking more and therefore eating healthier. My novel has taken the back-burner again; and again I can't be assed to give a shit, really.

I need some new hobbies. Currently I have two fandoms: RWBY and Ten Count, and a half-fandom, Dramatical Murder. Actually, my only two hobbies right now are writing and reading gay manga. I do follow updates on Norgami and Natsume Yuujinchou as well. But I think I've pretty much read ALL the scanlated yaoi manga the internet has to offer me ~ *rolls around*

I've composed a list of things I'd like to do or obtain this year:
⛧ archery
⛧ natal charts (constructing my own)
⛧ psychic reading (from a shop for research)
⛧ chakra alignment/acupuncture/massage/chiropractor
⛧ eye-doctor for glasses
⛧ dentist for fillings
⛧ find a house to rent
⛧ publish something
⛧ printer

so now for the random life shitCollapse )
2nd-Feb-2016 03:56 am - is it so simple
human reflection
Thoughts and the way they shape the mundane world, or 3D reality; the idea of a joke and the words we use to communicate with ourselves and each other. To simply do it. To affect the change you want in your life. To make the jump from misery to happiness, to satisfaction, to reaching the goals you've always held close to your heart but kept at an arm's length. Because "I need to do this first" is always a precursor. Because "If I don't have this, I can't get that" is always at the forefront. That's the way it is. We lose focus along the way of why we wanted those things. Our dreams and wishes grow moldy and covered with leaves. We no longer seek out the grand notions we clung to in our youth. We succumb to the powers that be and allow ourselves to believe we're living in a world we built, a freedom we chose.

There's got to be a point where it breaks. A point where you can't take anymore. It won't be anything huge, it might be like a click. Do this, do that. Fight for this, fight for that. Move on from this, move on from that. The little steps we make push us farther or further from what we desire; so long as we don't refine ourselves.

There's things I want to do in this life. Appearances I want to achieve. Desires I maintain as dreams. My goal is a certain lifestyle, a way of life and of being. Instead of dreaming it, I've got to seize it. Seize control of everything surrounding me and pushing, pulling, yanking, throwing...

The time is now. If you don't start now, you've never started. How terrible that sounds.

I'm reaching out, reaching out...

All I have to do is act.
25th-Jan-2016 01:59 pm - the drop
I had a dream last night with Eris in it. I've been remembering my dreams a lot better for the past six months than I have in years. Themes I've noticed include ships, oceans, cats of all sorts, faeries, warehouses, and flying, and being a warrior.

In this dream, Eris had been caught by a large king or some sort and I had come to work with this king only to find out he's keeping her against her will. He'd taken her golden apple and without it there's nothing she could do. However, she retained her demeanor of how I'd imagined the goddess of chaos to be... nothing really bothered her. We got along really well (in some sense as lovers) and I told her I wanted her help (the golden apple) in order to destroy the world so that it could start anew. She replied with a smile, genuinely amused, that I should leave the destroying up to her as that was her job and consider what I could do to save lives and help people instead.

So we parted ways with me promising to return once I had retrieved the golden apple and released her. It was my journey and I discovered that along the way, I became a willing participant in helping and saving others.

Before this dream I also dreamt about war. I was involved in two battles, one at the front and one where I was given a sword by Kenshin and hesitated to join the battle altogether. This second (and "last") battle was going to take place in a church, I knew there would be gunsmen. I overslept the day the battle was supposed to take place and went over to another person who was supposed to have been a part. He told me that no one showed up.

I don't generally interpret my dreams with much seriousness, though I'm very aware that most of the time when they're of this caliber they hold significant meaning. For now I'll just start recording them more often.

In real life things have been going pretty well. I've got a job now, and I'm taking two classes at PCC. I have some tickets to pay off and I need to fix a tire on my car. Other than that, everything is fine. So I'm wondering why I'm so stressed out.

I've been doing a little writing here and there. I've been an official vegetarian for about four days. I haven't been eating as much junk as I used to, and I feel better for it.

Something's missing. Gotta identify it as fast as I can.

Until next time ~
11th-Jan-2016 10:32 am - renengade ok?
moody monster
Wow so. I want to write a little about the ~conspiracies~ I'm into. But first a disclaimer: (mostly for my own amusement and satisfaction) 0. If you find this offensive in anyway, I apologize!? 1. I don't give a fuck if it's "crazy"? 2. I don't give a fuck if it's "fake". 3. Why am I using quotations for those words? HAHAHA wouldn't you like to know. 4. I'm still a dabbler, a dilettante. Meaning I don't really know what I'm talking about, but I understand it in a very abstract manner. 5. I DON'T GIVE A SINGLE FUCK.

That being said, I also need context with pertinent information. Back in the day when I was nineteen? Twenty? I reinstated my interest in (what at the time I considered "new age" and "paranormal" and "magic") and now I just generally refer to as the "occult". LITERALLY OCCULTUS, LATIN, MEANING "clandestine, hidden, secret". 99% of people's knowledge of the occult, what it is, and what it's all about is incredibly ironic. Simply put, the occult is the "secret truth".

So nowadays, with the accumulation of research, soul-searching, and a lot of strange happenstances that can only be described as metaphysical in nature, I've found myself in new, grander terrirtory. A lot of questions answered. And because I'm a jackass I'll answer some of them in short form.

⛧ What is the purpose of human life? -- free will.
⛧ What does it mean to be human? -- to experience; especially love.
⛧ Why is humanity so violent? (War as a prime example) -- FEAR.
⛧ Why are humans so judgemental? -- LOL cuz the big cats dun want u to get along with ur fellow humanz.
⛧ Where is the connection with all this "new age crap"? -- FUN FACT: THERE IS ONE.
⛧ Is there a god? Are deities real? -- guiz, ur religion is allegory but ur gods is real n they v disappoint wit u.
⛧Religion!? -- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH u mean slavery? u mean the right to give up all ur issues to a higher being so u don't have to deal with them? U MEAN U DON'T HAVE TO THINK FOR YOURSELF!?
⛧ I could go on but I'll stop...

So we've got chakras, pineal gland, magnetic fields, auras, energy, empathy, "altered DNA", dimensions 3, 4, 5 and so on, "interentities" AKA aliens or extraterrestrials, top secret government projects such as HAARP, the fucking quarantine, and occult science (in media?!), frequencies and vibrations and 432 hz.

So far those are my current research materials.

To me the question of whether or not it's true or real is just as stupid as the question of whether or not the government is true or real.

Like, if you think the government actually works? I feel sorry for you. LikeWISE, if you think that aliens aren't real? I also feel sorry for you.

And that's where you can stop reading (if you didn't at the upsidedown pentacles of sarcasm) if you disagree.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. This much is true. Here is where the problem arises:
person 1: *has an opinion on something*
person 2: *has a different opinion on something*
person 1: your opinion is stupid
person 2: your opinion is wrong
person 3: *has a different opinion from 1 and 2*
person 1 & 2: your opinion is stupid and wrong
person 3: an opinion is a subject of thought and not stated as factual evidence. also calling an opinion "stupid" is also an opinion

Basically, JUDGEMENT is a Really Big Problem humans have. Stop doing that so much. I'm not saying you stop doing it at all. But know where to draw the fucking line. You think you're a decent person when you don't pass "judgement" on someone you look at as "disabled" but then you go and pass "judgement" on someone who's wearing ugly socks--SOCKS YOU OPIN ARE UGLY. And that's a gentle example.

I'm preachin' to the choir, everyone does this. The difference happens is when you catch yourself doing it and revise your thoughts.


I feel like it should come naturally, but it doesn't. Being a decent human being doesn't come naturally anymore. You might be a nice, loving person. Oh yes, I believe you are, inherently, a good person. But are you decent about it? I fuckin doubt it. I know I'm not. I judge everybody, because to me, everybody (99% of y'all) are fucking stupid. But that's just my opinion. Oh, I am also stupid. But not as stupid as the 99%. Also an opinion. 8DDDDDDDDD

Oh, also, that FEAR thing? Another Reallly Big Problem. How to solve it? LOL. I could tell you how but you won't do it, nor will you want to. I don't even want to do it and I'm not doing it.

Welcome to Being Human 101.

Why the fuck am I writing all this? I forgot my point. Well it's always to organize information in my mind and I've decided I'll share it. This is how I think to myself folks. I'm a sarcastic asshole to myself.

Anyways... I'm writing this because it frustrates me that I have No Fucking Idea how to explain things that Literally Cannot Be Put Into Language and Must Be Experienced in order to understand.

Like... do you want to be happy or not?
Word of advice... do what you want.

I'm writing a post on fear and how to overcome it, more or less.


A short guide:
1. Stop judging every little thing
2. Globalize culture and stop being so fucking stingy
3. Appreciate tradition and also move the fuck on
4. Respect your fuckin fellow human beings
6. Stop giving a flying shit about gender and sexuality. No. Stop. If it's not an issue, you can do what you want.
7. End consumerist slavery.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I fuckin' hate this shit. Am I literally insane? Sure, why not.

8. We're constantly bickering and discussing and fighting for "human rights". But that's not really what we're doing. We're buying into mass media agendas in order to distract ourselves from the real problems.

War. Poverty. Greed. Imbalance of power. Slavery. Violence. Money.

Get rid of those seven deadly pieces of shit and the "world" will be much better off.

Oh and if you really wanna fuck your mind why don't you do some reading about Pleiadians and "the lizzies".

I'm fuckin out. I haven't slept in ages and I'm done. What am I even doing anymore. I don't know.

But this year I'm gonna find the fuck out some more. And maybe by the end of this year I can actually make a real post in technical parameters as to what the occult is all about and why the word "CONSPIRACY" is a PIECE OF SHIT.


8th-Jan-2016 03:31 am - you are what you imagine of yourself
dark girl
I often write little snippets of journal entries on the "Inkpad Notepad" app on my Android phone. Sometimes I type up some thoughts into wordpad. I stopped posting online a long time ago and never got back into the habit; thinking all this time that I don't need an audience and I don't need anyone to be able to look up anything about me or my thoughts.

The thing is the more aware I become, the less that matters. "Who I am" and "What I'm doing" and "Where I'm going with it all" isn't something I can hide. I make it blatantly clear to anyone watching close enough. So there's no point in being so sneaky.

Most of the time, these days, when I write these snippets and thoughts, they are done in order to express frustrations on things I can't properly emote. Things I can't fully grasp and need to write out in order to take a new perspective. It helps, as journaling is supposed to do, and I could post them here. But I don't need to? Yet I find myself wanting to archive these thoughts of mine in an organized, aesthetic manner that can be accessible to the possibility of like-minded others stumbling across it.

The subtle ways reality proves what it's not is impressive, in retrospect. For example. The thought of love has bloomed in me late. I wrote down all of my impassive, chaotic thoughts on the matter. I put it out there into the world. It really started with a crush from my chemistry class that I failed to act upon and the opportunity left. Ever since I wrote that entry about love and attraction (and "put it out to the universe in order to get what I want"), I've seen changes. Where before maybe once every two or three years I'd find one person I found mildly attractive and in a situation where I'd never see them again (in passing). There have been several lately. Perhaps it is just an awakening in me. I'm excited for it.

This year I'm doing an experiment with my health. Let's set aside judgement in its entirity; everything I'm doing is for "science". And my physical and spiritual existence. I want to attempt a vegan/raw-food lifestyle, minimize plastic usage, and do body-weight-resistance training. This is the most important step for me at this point in my life. By the time I'm twenty-six, the reason will be clearer. I feel it.

And for a long time, I ignored emotions. Now I'm realizing just how important they are. That the mind is tricky and submissive. Sometimes things are better "controlled" by empathy, or by "feeling them out". I can't put it into words. It's just something you do. Anyone can do it.

There's no more talk. It's only do from here on out. I've gotten serious. I'm not fucking around. All I want to do this year is focus on my health, finish my PCC classes so I can transfer, and maintain a steady and decent job to help pay for my living expenses. Ultimately I would like to set up a savings account and become entirely financially independent. And I want to publish my novel.

Except this time, I'm not saying these things with hope... I'm saying them with knowing. There's no doubt in my mind anymore that all of this is going to happen. And I've always, always known that ages twenty-four through twenty-six were going to be powerful, moving years for me. I've set it up that way for myself. I'm moving along at a much faster pace.

There are still some things I need to work out in my mind, however, some beliefs and systems of thoughts. There is still some dichotomy there. The way I feel about humanity and how to treat it and how to help it. Humans as a whole and human beings as individuals. The way the shift and movement and change in this world will happen and how I am a part of it, or can be if I choose.

The biggest problem I have is this kind of loneliness. But that's not really the right word for it and I don't think there is one. Here there is hope of meeting others who hold the same fires in their hearts and seek the truth in the same way I do.

Increasing my patience and understanding of how far I have evolved as an individual; that I am doing well for myself with what I've got. That my mood and my attitude is mine to dictate alone and cannot be altered by my environment or circumstances.

I'm looking forwards to 2016. A 9 year. A year of completion and new beginnings. I'm excited for all the new discoveries I'll make on my personal path and in my spirituality. I'm much more prepared and organized and sound-minded than I've ever been.

The need to be precise and calculating still appeals to me, but I can also set it aside and receive information in an entirely different way.

Honestly, it's quite good.

I'm doing well.

x 2016. Until the next time I update.

style updateCollapse )
2nd-Nov-2015 11:11 pm - life with cosipotente
moody monster

this is what i have to deal with.

16th-Oct-2015 11:10 pm - 001 short and sweet.
Let's start over.

It's almost the end of another year; the year I surpassed my lifespan. Context clandestine.

Lifestyle has been metered. Mechanics set in motion. Code rewired and understood. Information absorbed and assimilated.

Fuck it. Everything has changed. Not one thing is the same about my life. That's how different things have become. And it's fuckin' beautiful.

No need to focus on the shitstorm past, but I can look back and select the experiences and lessons learned. I now know why I did the things I did and felt the way I felt. I've found my resolution.

Goals still in orbit:
⛧ Gym more often, don't eat after 8pm. Drop the sugars and carbs and eat less meat.
⛧ Archery

Goals close to completion/latently working:
⛧ Hair growth (shaved my head two years ago and now it's past my shoulders)
⛧ Novel (Off to betas at the end of the month)
⛧ School: math and physics
⛧ Work: Well, it's temporary but a thing
⛧ Remembering my dreams

Things that are fucking awesome:
⛧ Living in an amazing apartment
⛧ My best friend as my roommate ♥ a_knot
⛧ Quit smoking pot
⛧ Having deja vu as I write this post....

To end this before I fall asleep on the keyboard, I've never been so busy. I'm working 25+ hours at Spirit Halloween, I'm taking two classes three days a week at PCC. I'm on the second to final edit of my novel. I have one day off a week.

But Im not complaining. I fucking love it.


my face, just becauseCollapse )



If that's true, then prepare yourself because this theory is going to punch your brain into a million little pieces, and hopefully, put it back together again. Keep in mind it is a theory, I am not stating anything as fact, though facts may be presented; althought I assure you it is all in theory. That's a fun loop. Fact and Theory... I'll leave you to decide that one on your own.

I invite you to get angry, to get mad, to hate the words your are about to read. I then implore you to seek vengeance, to correct the mistake, to take matters into your own hands and crush them to death because, y'know, why the fuck not?

(Cue evil laughter.)

Here we go...Collapse )
23rd-Sep-2014 02:43 pm - SCHOOL
So, today is my first day of school. It's been a year since I passed one class, my first math, so I've got to crunch some algebra back into my brain and finish the second half, this semester. This is the baby semester, the bullshit semester.

To fill my time, I'm taking a technical writing class... which I can't even remember why I'm taking. It's online because I don't need to sit in a classroom and discuss HOW TO WRITE. I took AP Language and waited too long and got screwed so now I have to shit out a bunch of words for some credits so I can take classes I actually need. I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I NEED THIS CLASS BUT WHATEVER IT'S EASY. I wish I could just prove my skills with a portfolio full of porny fanfiction and high school essays with 8 scores.

I'm also taking a new political science class, problems in politics. I am not impressed with the course synopsis. It has nothing to do with debate or group discussion which I suck at because I am an arrogant and opinionated asshole and everything to do with the fact it's a BASIC BITCH CLASS. I'm stuck with it. It's also designed for non-US citizens. I would have appreciated that anecdote before I signed up for the class. I'm just praying we actually discuss how to fix the disorganized cesspool that is the American government. If we don't, I will flip tables.

LASTLY, my second half of college algebra. Functions and graphing galore! This is actually going to be my favorite class. That is how much I've changed in two years.

So yeah, the baby semester. A buncha catch-up classes, basically. Next semester it gets more serious. Algebra II, Computer Science, Chemistry, and probably a philosophy or sociology class, maybe another political science class. I've got to wait until summer to start any actual physics classes, so I've got some time to fuck around.

That's it. My life is pretty boring. I've been struggling with a fictional story, trying to find new music, and have just ventured into the land of visual novels (omfg Dramatical Murder, do I dare play you in the library!?)

Now, for the fast forward button.

I'm so done with my generation.
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