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in the beginning, there was chaos
you are what you imagine of yourself 
8th-Jan-2016 03:31 am
dark girl
I often write little snippets of journal entries on the "Inkpad Notepad" app on my Android phone. Sometimes I type up some thoughts into wordpad. I stopped posting online a long time ago and never got back into the habit; thinking all this time that I don't need an audience and I don't need anyone to be able to look up anything about me or my thoughts.

The thing is the more aware I become, the less that matters. "Who I am" and "What I'm doing" and "Where I'm going with it all" isn't something I can hide. I make it blatantly clear to anyone watching close enough. So there's no point in being so sneaky.

Most of the time, these days, when I write these snippets and thoughts, they are done in order to express frustrations on things I can't properly emote. Things I can't fully grasp and need to write out in order to take a new perspective. It helps, as journaling is supposed to do, and I could post them here. But I don't need to? Yet I find myself wanting to archive these thoughts of mine in an organized, aesthetic manner that can be accessible to the possibility of like-minded others stumbling across it.

The subtle ways reality proves what it's not is impressive, in retrospect. For example. The thought of love has bloomed in me late. I wrote down all of my impassive, chaotic thoughts on the matter. I put it out there into the world. It really started with a crush from my chemistry class that I failed to act upon and the opportunity left. Ever since I wrote that entry about love and attraction (and "put it out to the universe in order to get what I want"), I've seen changes. Where before maybe once every two or three years I'd find one person I found mildly attractive and in a situation where I'd never see them again (in passing). There have been several lately. Perhaps it is just an awakening in me. I'm excited for it.

This year I'm doing an experiment with my health. Let's set aside judgement in its entirity; everything I'm doing is for "science". And my physical and spiritual existence. I want to attempt a vegan/raw-food lifestyle, minimize plastic usage, and do body-weight-resistance training. This is the most important step for me at this point in my life. By the time I'm twenty-six, the reason will be clearer. I feel it.

And for a long time, I ignored emotions. Now I'm realizing just how important they are. That the mind is tricky and submissive. Sometimes things are better "controlled" by empathy, or by "feeling them out". I can't put it into words. It's just something you do. Anyone can do it.

There's no more talk. It's only do from here on out. I've gotten serious. I'm not fucking around. All I want to do this year is focus on my health, finish my PCC classes so I can transfer, and maintain a steady and decent job to help pay for my living expenses. Ultimately I would like to set up a savings account and become entirely financially independent. And I want to publish my novel.

Except this time, I'm not saying these things with hope... I'm saying them with knowing. There's no doubt in my mind anymore that all of this is going to happen. And I've always, always known that ages twenty-four through twenty-six were going to be powerful, moving years for me. I've set it up that way for myself. I'm moving along at a much faster pace.

There are still some things I need to work out in my mind, however, some beliefs and systems of thoughts. There is still some dichotomy there. The way I feel about humanity and how to treat it and how to help it. Humans as a whole and human beings as individuals. The way the shift and movement and change in this world will happen and how I am a part of it, or can be if I choose.

The biggest problem I have is this kind of loneliness. But that's not really the right word for it and I don't think there is one. Here there is hope of meeting others who hold the same fires in their hearts and seek the truth in the same way I do.

Increasing my patience and understanding of how far I have evolved as an individual; that I am doing well for myself with what I've got. That my mood and my attitude is mine to dictate alone and cannot be altered by my environment or circumstances.

I'm looking forwards to 2016. A 9 year. A year of completion and new beginnings. I'm excited for all the new discoveries I'll make on my personal path and in my spirituality. I'm much more prepared and organized and sound-minded than I've ever been.

The need to be precise and calculating still appeals to me, but I can also set it aside and receive information in an entirely different way.

Honestly, it's quite good.

I'm doing well.

x 2016. Until the next time I update.

I fuckin' hate shoes ok.
9th-Jan-2016 05:27 pm (UTC)
um this is totally random but i started reading when i saw the part "The biggest problem I have is this kind of loneliness." so i ended up reading the whole post. and it just kind of hit me that yeah, people our age do really get to such a point, eh? what i mean is, i found it mildly comforting to read about another person setting similar goals on food and health, etc. yep. we can do this.

sorry this is totally random ._.
11th-Jan-2016 05:46 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah you're so right. How old are you? Also I remember youuuu. We had good talks back in the day. How are things? I'm honestly curious and not just asking because that's what we're supposed to do, haha.

These days I don't really feel the need to go out and do things that I can have good memories of. Instead I'm more focused on the goals. I used to think that I'd always be unable to "settle" but nowadays what's most important to me is setting a foundation I can build on and enjoying what I have right now.

It's really strange how just a couple of years can change a person so much. The change didn't really start for me until I was 22, so it's been only two years. But in those two years I've learned so much more than I feel like I have for the previous 21. xD

Sorry for my long reply!
12th-Jan-2016 05:31 pm (UTC)
haha i'm a year older. so i have an affinity with same-year people. but we're not that far tho haha
aigooo i don't know if you remember but i'm in the field of design, visual arts. so hmmm, to sum up, in 3 months, it's going to be 4 years with my design job. there are barely any traces of it on my livejournal tho? i stopped writing. i now keep a notebook as some sort of diary to write down what happened in a day. bullet point to the core.

i remember one of my friends, who is an artist, say that he had laid something out as some sort of foundation. (same person said he wanted to try alternative living). he's had art shows and a family now.

so for me i don't know my foundation. going to 4 years, here i will admit it, that i am losing sight. my interests are going places, but i don't know what else. it's crazy and scary; i am just going day in and out :/

yea time flies so fast! we are on our own now? i think the greatest change for me is that now i support my parents, so while i get financial freedom, i still have a greater financial responsibility. in a way, i am holding on to reality but in the off-moments i just don't do anything. it's scary.

i also went off the grid, but it gets really lonely too
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