There are times when I browse through this journal, on a specific tag, on a hunt, or just because;
there's no rhyme or reason to the time intervals that pass between the weeks, months, and days.
I most often visit my poetry, to re-read the pieces of me I couldn't explain in any other way. The things I wished I could say that I still can't say today.
I just, in moments like these, have no hold of the structure of reality, even though I'm sitting here, solid and breathing, under a yellow light, unable to sleep, always scared to fight (But I'll have to anyway.)
There are no words for me tonight.
But for all the dark hours I've spent in this familiar daze
as i leaf through
of who i used to be
all i see are mottled wings
the roots that grew
up into me
what did i do
to deserve this
(remember, never to hide your feelings
the bitter thoughts that ghost through your head
travel through your fingertips when you touch
Feel is a foreign concept.
And I'm still an undead contradiction.
I should write. So here I am, writing. It was a good day. Wednesday. Jes's day off, so our new friend (long story, but we met him off craigslist, surprisingly enough he's super chill), Sam. He's a pretty smart guy. Anyways, he brought over pot and alcohol and we played a drinking game to Naruto, since Jes and I FINALLY got to the fight between Naruto and Sasuke at the Valley of the End. It occurs to me, I never actually watched Shipuuden. I've just been reading it.
The reasons why I don't journal much these days any more keep growing. I have a paper journal I'm a bit more intentive too because most of the things I have to write down these days a very select few are interested in. So it's more of a personal thing than it used to be, which is cool. I like writing on paper a lot, but I still miss all the fun times on livejournal. I really fell out of touch with people, and that sucks. Ugh. I'm still a lazy fuck.
Anyways, I HAVE been more active, though a bit exhausted all the time. I still don't really have much of an appetite, and it's almost a pain to eat, which is really, really annoying. I'd almost take back loving food.
I've not got a lot of results with my dreaming yet. I've had a few dreams I've remembered and voice memo'd because I'm in a hurry (waking up last minute is my style lol) and don't have time to write it down, usually I'm driving when I'm recalling them. Weird, my life.
The last truly meaningful and vivid dream I had was in Dayton, with the unicorn, owl, and amethyst. So, it wasn't that long ago considering my track record, but...
Jes and I were talking about this a couple minutes ago. I just want a sign, you know. My major "metaphysical" goals for this year are:
1. Remember my dreams in vivid detail and accuracy.
2. Lucid dream, eventually at will.
After that are:
4. Chakra alignment + grounding/balancing + meditation + trance work + space casting
5. Protection of self and home
6. Tarot divination
And I have more goals to build upon these goals. What I really want is a sign, from a deity. In any shape or form, hopefully not too vague, but obvious enough to really affect me. I need a small bit of encouragement. Just a proof that I'm going in the right direction, or an instance to motivate me. It's really hard when nothing's manifest. This year it's time to manifest. And fuck all that Eckhart Tolle bullshit. I can't believe I ever subscribe to the Secret as anything more than a simplification of the idealogy for the mass media. There's little impact. It doesn't work. I could go into it, like how it teaches people to feel shit about themselves when they don't get the results they want, or to feel like it's THEIR FAULT if bad shit happens to them. I'm paraphrasing another's opinion I read about this on tumblr, but it had been itching at me for awhile too. It's not
always a person's fault that so-and-so event occurs. I don't need that guilt-trip on top of all my other problems. Nope, nope.
I've got one experiment I'm going to try out, being mugwort and hissop extract oil. I don't know if aromatherapy will work for someone who can't smell. Probably not. But I have organic mugwort to smoke, which is said to aid in more vivid dreams, their recall, and lucidity.
I don't want to pile too much on my plate at once, though. I'd ideally like to start the chakra study/alignment thing ASAP as well. I won't be able to afford to take a martial arts class for a couple of months to a year, so I'm going to have to do the first phase of getting back in shape on my own. Luckily there's a gym in our apartment complex.
On February 19th, I start a two week bartending class to earn my certification to serve alcoholic drinks and yada yada. It will look good on my resume, the people are super awesome great so far, and they have a high percentage turn-out rate for jobs in a decent amount of time. They help their students find jobs. That is badass. It's a small institute, with classes of 6-8, so it's very personable. Plus, I got last month's discount since I made my appointment last month, but wasn't able to attend. So $100 off. $499 for the class. Not baaaad, I say. Anyways... certain witchy plans resonate around this as well.
There's also a tack shop hiring in Portland I'm applying for tomorrow (gotta write a cover letter up) with my equine and regular resumes.
It's a lot... coming up. On top of signing up for classes on February 20th. I think I'll start with two classes, so I'm not overwhelmed, especially if I have one or two jobs.
What I can and AM doing right now is... researching. Lots of that. More internet based than book based lately, but progress none-the-less. Also, stretching and eating healthier. I've also gotten back into the habit of brushing and flossing regularly.
I'm working on fixing my sleeping schedule but as a chronic insomniac I am failing at that (read: right now ;w;). I want to start getting up earlier but... I just love sleep and I hate waking up collld in the morning.
It snowed a couple times, but didn't stick. Still beautiful.
There are a looooooooooooot of material things I'd really like in the near future to make my life a bit more comfortable. Here is my list:
2. My piano (keyboard); my parents need to send it but it's gonna be a bitch shipping-wise.
3. Sewing machine. I've got some projects. I can tell 2013 is going to be a very thrifty, DIY, crafty year for me. I ACCEPT THE CHALLENGE.
4. Desk + chair
5. PHOTOSHOP FUCKING ELEMENTS
6. A cheapie synthboard... or actually just an iPad or cool-ass tablet please. Or that touchscreen monitor-computer badassery.
7. A scooter/moped.
8. Mic and basic recording equipment (I have a music project I want to work on)...
Ugh but ALL THE MONEY AND A LOT ON MY PLATE but I know that this is the year I am going to get a job, I am 100% solid on this fact. Same with school. I know what I'm doing it all for now, which is what I needed in order to do these things... it's not easy to decide what you want to, ultimately, do with your life. I feel blessed to have discovered it so young... even though it's a mountain of a task. More like a world of a task. Literally.
There is literally an unwavering belief in me that this is the year good things will happen to me, so long as I persevere and ACT on what I want. It's that simple: attitude and action. Change. Acceptance of change. The will to learn. The power to fight. I keep growing.
Sometimes, I'm discourage by how far ahead of me people are. I'm intimidated by people more in the know than me, especially on topics I am interested in. I need to get over that hurdle and be more social and ask questions and learn from living beings aside from books and the internet, though. Which is another 2013 goal. Socializing more. I sound like such a shut-in, haha. I have been just that for the past six or so months. I needed the break from society, though, I really did.
I've always been a pretty cynical person... and very skeptical. Sometimes I get carried away with my ideas and theories and "belief systems" and worldviews and all that... but I don't believe absolutely in any one of them. There is no complete reality to me, that's something I'm looking for. All the answers.
I say this in so many ways... the more I say it, the closer I get.
P.S: I also have had a few more crazy ideas lately. One being a thought that, being raised pagan, did my mother bind me as an infant/child to have a definitive and hard-to-overcome (if not almost impossible) block from all things metaphysical? The bigger question is on morals. But that's a long family-religion story.
Two is hawks. I've always seen hawks, growing up, no matter where I am, on almost a weekly basis. Sometimes daily. Florida, Charlotte (one lived on the roof in the metro/urban dorm I lived in.), Africa, and Oregon, and on our road trip. All the time I see them. Apparently they're endangered, and rare. It never occurred to me that hawk might have a big message for me. Or be one of my guides. IDEK if I believe in that shit though. So until proof, just a musing.
I've been getting back into collecting unicorns lately. I think it was sparked with that dream I had awhile back, with the Mother, the unicorn, and the amethysts. The other day I bought this fur figurine of a unicorn with wings, golden horn and hooves. I named him Celestine. I found him in a tack shop when Jes and I were looking for an Arabian-themed gift for one of her coworkers, but had to wait a couple weeks until I could afford him. I'm poor, he was only $25. xD
Anyways ~ the cats love to try and eat him, so I have to keep him high up for now which is annoying because he'd look perfect in my window. I've also sort of collected all my unicorn things and made a little ~shrine~ for them. I'll post a picture of it sometime, when it's not so bare. I picked up a cute unicorn-painted jasper stone the other day as well, so I'm making progress.
I had a realization about unicorns the other day, and about their symbolism. Commonly, they are seen as icons of purity, chastity, even femininity. Esoterically, they represent both the male and female aspects of nature and their duality. I think they also represent the power of belief. So many unicorn knick-knacks and such I have seen have the word "Believe" somewhere about them. Belief is a powerful tool, and my realization the other day was like a reminder of that.
Enough about unicorns though.
I haven't been active in the sense of communicating with the livejournal community in like, two years. It sucks, but I was going through a lot of personal change and all that angsty teenage-young adult stuff, which I'm still probably going through, but I'm in another chapter completely now. I can't even express how much I've changed just over these past five months living in Oregon, and how much in the year 2012 together. I'm completely different from the person I used to be. I guess I could say... I left the old me behind in Florida, officially. It's pretty refreshing. But harmonizing with oneself, for me at least, is a steep upward climb, and it's got it's easy times and it's difficult times. But that's life, right?
Anyways, I'm going to close this journal on July 27th, when my paid account runs out, and open a new one to start fresh. I'd actually wanted to do this when I graduated high school; I'm glad I waited. This is the right time.
I have a shit-ton of resolutions this year, but all of them are reasonably attainable. The top priorities are: body/health/fitness, my year and a day study on paganism and secular witchcraft and etc, lucid dreaming, school, and a job. I've been studying, I've been stretching and doing some toning and cardio exercises and eating healthily, I'm going to sign up for bar-tending school and see if I can get a job through that, and I'm going back to college in the summer. A lot to put on my plate after not doing much at all for almost 3 years... but, I'm ready to be active again and start getting things done. Unfortunately, this means I won't have as much time to write, but that never stopped me before. It'll probably make me more keen on writing, idk.
I also REALLY want to take kung fu classes, as well as archery classes. And I still want to learn how to shoot a gun.
I also can't forget my slow, back-burner goal of getting published. I'm working on it. It will happen. I think it's gonna be this year. If anything, I'll be participating in a couple national and international writing contests. \\\o///
I've been bumming around for the past two weeks, so now it's time to get off my ass and go exist in the world. I've just been cooped up doing research and writing and daydreaming and watching shit and cleaning and doing stretches and all that, but it's COLD and I could make up a million excuses, but it's time. I've given myself a couple weeks to wrap my mind around and prepare myself for all that I'm going to be doing this year. I'm prepared.
Anyway, there are TWO virtual things I really want to focus on: my original fiction livejournal/tumblr and video-logging. Once a month for certain topics and then whenever I have a book/film/etc review. When my computer was returned to me after breaking in December, I went to open my webcam and the PROGRAM FOR DELL
CENTRAL WEBCAM does not exist on my computer. Good job, guys. You tried.
So I have to find a safe download for it and hop to that. I have a lot I want to video about, as well as maintain video evidence of my body goals.
There are so many other things I want to work on but I have to pace myself and prioritize what comes first. I guess my ultimate goal for 2013 is fairly simple: I want to be an informed, self-aware, and happenin' person.
I feel in me, simultaneously, an excitement and an anxiety at the prospect of transcendence; even in the simplest terms of working meditation in which I focus my intent on visiting other realms. I call them realms though that might not be the proper term; planes, spheres, realities, universes, I'm not entirely sure.
Part of me feels like I shouldn't worry about the fact I haven't been successful in my attempts thus far. The thing is, I haven't really tried lately. I keep waiting for the opportunity. But most of my readings tell me there is no reason to wait. I argue internally that I am not so much wasting my time waiting, since I am reading and learning as I wait for my chance. But I am simply not interested in starting up my psychical trade until I have a comfortable space in which to do it. I think that makes sense. Anyways, enough of trying to rationalize my decisions to myself.
I have felt for awhile I've had this "block"--I don't know what else to call it--when it comes to transmundane things. However, that block has been dissolving this year. Slow and steady, I believe. My opportunity, or my time to transcend the regular, mutable reality is drawing nearer. I am not sure if there is any misplaced fear within me; perhaps that is why I am waiting? I can't have everything perfect; but I at least want my own room, my own space, in which to practice.
As I've been waiting I have been reading and collecting the things I will need (or want to have) in order to truly begin this practice. I am arming myself.
And I am both excited and nervous; but I don't think I'm afraid. The only thing I'm afraid of is my repeated failure; and that is a surefire way to fail me, so I need to turn that thought around. Instead I will focus on being patient and persistent. Practice--that's the word. Practice makes "perfect". I should know this... the more I write the better I get. That's practice. It's been proven true to me.
I just don't want to jump headfirst into things, yet at the same time I want instant gratification--instant results. That's not the way this works, though, and now that I've realized that--that I've realized I need time to focus on me and the strengths that will guide me to who I need and what I need to see, hear, be... the anxiety slowly dissipates and is replaced by a comforting feeling. That the time is now, is soon, and all this time, unknowingly or not, I've been preparing for it.
2013 is going to be one hell of a year, and I look forward to living through it. I will continue to fight for what I believe in--that there is an absolute truth out there, even if that absolute truth is simply relativity. It's all I can believe in.
It's funny though, this realization I've had: I put so much of myself into certain characters I write. When I think back in retrospect, most often to the antagonists of my stories, they are most like who I want to be or what I plan to do. My "left-handed path", my connection with chaos and discordianism. That I can do things my own way, that I can become my own god--it's just interesting, how subconsciously, I knew I was projecting these things into my writing, but only recently did I consciously realize it.
I guess my question here is, am I doing the right thing? Does it matter, if it's what I want to do? Because even though Doubt fills my heart like my own version of fear, there is one thing I am absolutely certain of: I will not give up. I will get what I want. I will succeed. No matter how long it takes me or how hard it gets. This is an intrinsic knowing; almost an instinctual, intuitive understanding. I am a "warrior"; I don't have it in me to give up. I literally can't. I am subconsciously pushed to go on in my path. So if I'm doing it all wrong, why is it working? Most people think, well if I don't get results within this allotted amount of time, it's not working. I don't know if that's true. So many years I longed for this feeling, this understanding, this access to arcane and mystic knowledge. So many years I dreaded it was a pipe-dream, unattainable, not for me. Now I have it. My persistence has paid off. It's only more proof that I can do what I want to do, that nothing can stop me--not even the universe--try as it might.
And oh, does it try.
So maybe I am doing the "wrong" thing. Maybe I am going about it all "wrong". Well, that's part of my pursuit into the metaphysical. To learn of easier paths, find the help and answers I need. I want to listen and to learn. I do want help. I can do it alone if I have to, but I'd like assistance.
Sometimes I think the universe is trying to stop me, but what I don't understand on that account is why, considering my agenda includes helping it in return. I feel more like I am being tested. The more difficult the trial, the stronger I become. Why would the universe want to stop me? Even chaos has a place within it. So I see no real enemy in anything.
I guess what I'm trying to say here is this: I've got shit to do, particularly in this lifetime, and I will do everything in my power, and more, to succeed.
Hoo-rah, go me.
When I think "What do I want to do with my life? What do I want to do with my future?" -- when I really think that, and get down to business on the ideals of executing my plans, I actually have to stop, and well, think
Most of the time when I am asked this question, my mind simply supplies the answer, "Get published. Become rich and famous. Travel the world."
I've got a lot more to do than that. If I listed all the things I wanted to do with my future... it would go on ad infinitum. Seeing as I am currently a finite being (haven't found a way around that yet, at least, not physically!) I will make a finite list of the top so-and-so things I'd like to do with my life aside from making money off my writing and traveling the world and all that awesome shit.
• I have always loved horses and I always will. Due to my complicated past revolving around horses, there was a lengthy block of time where I had no choice but to distance myself from them. I simply cannot be caged into something, character flaw or not, and as soon as it becomes an obligation the enjoyment ceases. But if the choice is mine, if I am the one in charge of my horsemanship--BRING ON DA HORSES. I will ride into the moonlight and never return. Epona, here comest I!
• I've always wanted to do something with music. Be it voice lessons to refine my voice, or a more attentive learning of the piano, or to more unreasonably try my hand at the shamisen or shinobue. Possibly a saxophone. And guitar. But as awesome as all those are, I'd also like to have a firm understanding of fucking Garage Band so I can remix music cuz like, Noisia's Red Heat and SHINee's Lucifer need to become one.
• World domination. But what else is new?
• There's a list of smaller things, the seemingly less important but always fondly remembered moments in life you may not think, "I want to do that" but when it happens, you think, "Why did I never think of that before?" Well I think of those things because I want them to happen but for some reason they don't. Like smoking pot on the flat roof of an apartment high rise in the city... or screaming all my pains and angers into the sunset at an empty beach, or dancing around a bonfire naked, or playing hide and seek in a Walmart with like twenty of my friends.
who am I kidding I don't have twenty friends
... I want to ride a giant Ferris wheel...( I lose brevity with things like this, but this is a list I've never postedCollapse )
• I guess the big things don't really matter, do they? Because all I really want is to know, to understand, and to apply. What I really want is wisdom, and that's all I really want to get out of my life.
So things are escalating into a last-minute upheaval of GET THE SHIT DONE NOW. I have an interview on Sunday for a farm/stable hand position--first I have to compile my equine-related resume, which tbh I am overqualified for the job. If that pulls through, I potentially not only have a paid job working with horses, I also have an all-expenses paid fucking COTTAGE with WIFI. The only issue is whether or not Jes can live there with me, which we'll find out on Sunday, I suppose. There's another stable hand position at a Dressage facility I'll be applying for as well, and Chris got back to me with a few companies to contact regarding my cleric attuned resume. GIVE ME ALL THE JOBS.
To make matters more intense, my car decided to have a shitfit halfway to Portland today and I had to get it towed AGAIN to Dyanasport. They said they would contact me tomorrow basing on repairs; thing is... we really cannot afford to not have a car right now. At least until we get our new residence.
The biggest stress right now is the apartment. My mom agreed to co-sign/lend me the necessary money to actually get up off my feet (none of this $300 whenever you need it bullshit) and that did relieve me somewhat but... when it comes to the application process, I'm a little worried. Jes still has some shit to pay back to her old apartment which might get her a decline on her application... and seeing as we need this apartment NOW, considering the car might be done for (and basically not able to make it 60 miles daily to and from Portland and Dayton).... THE EMOTIONS AKSGJSLKGJSLKJGSLKH.
I'm both excited and freaking out. I want this done with; I want to move in to our place now. But my mom has to fill out the application as well, and we have to find out about Jes's probability of passing the app, and then IDK if they need proof of residency in Oregon (doesn't make sense considering... it's a residence in Oregon itself...) so I'mma probably go get my Oregon ID sometime soon like tomorrow. Cuz I need it. And when it comes to how to transfer the money and shit, well fuck. I'm just too overwhelmed to process the information properly right now.
Anyways, I took like all the buses today to and from everywhere after getting towed to the mechanic and now I am exhausted. Not to mention I'm recovering from a shitty cold and I still feel the dredges of shitdom.
On top of that my FUCKING KNEE. Why are you like this.
Ciao world, you are cruel.
Dunno how long this updating spree is going to last. I've been spending the last few days/weeks job-hunting and reading in Starbucks/libraries. The seasons have been changing from fall to winter slowly, and the weather is never above 60F these days. I confess, I love it. I have a heated blanket that makes life worth living. Except for getting out of it in the mornings.
Applied to a few stable hand jobs--I'd love to work with horses again, and hopefully start riding again as well. With the freedom to do as I please and not be guided in the direction others want me to go. I enjoy riding for pleasure, not for sport. However, if I refresh myself on the upper levels of Dressage, I might be able to start local showings. That is, if someone has a horse they'll let me ride. I could also do beginner's training. Christy (my trainer!) was only 21 when she started training me and she taught me pretty much everything I know. Dressage is a subtle art, you have to feel it and work together with the horse. That is why it's awesome. I severely miss it.
So I looked up a bunch of classes I'd like to take at the Portland community college... GIVE ME ALL THE PHILOSOPHIES! Science and the Occult, Existentialism, Knowing & Being, slkgjklsgjlksjglksjh ~ Also I might just dabble in the computer information realm, seeing as I'd like to know the basics of how the digital world operates. Basics first, though. I'll be presenting my portfolio in order to get into Advanced Creative Writing because fuck it, I don't need a prerequisite for that shite. Also, I'm self-studying Alg I and II and Geometry so that by the time (summer 2013) I go back to school, I can skip the pre-courses for that shite as well. So I want to take two-three classes the first semester: preferably Physics 101, Algebra I or II or some math IDK, and the creative writing -- script writing course. Yup.
Aside from that, I haven't been up to much. There are TONS of spiritual/metaphysical/apothecary/herbalist shops around here and I've even stumbled upon my first marijuana store called CANNABLISS. Gonna get my green card as soon as new SSC and Oregon license and apartment is acquired. Cuz minor (more like major) depression and back pains? Uhm, hell yeah.
So I want a motherfucking dalmatian.
And I've decided on what I'm doing with my hair/style at the end of the year. Seeing as this year was a "let it be" year, I've come to more or less accept my natural state: no makeup, natural hair, no piercings etc. And while I miss my septum piercing a lot, if I do get another piercing the first will be my eyebrow.
I'm dying my hair black and cutting my bangs micro-short. Like baby-bangs or w/e they're called. I did this awhile back when I had red-velvet-cake hair and it looked good. Style-wise, I've always wanted to go completely "gothic" but I couldn't afford it. And by gothic I mean mourning dresses, corsets, the works. Classy, not trashy.
I'm so ready to get out of this house and into my own place with my own space. ;w;
• First point: Jes got a job and hopefully I've got one lined up for me within the next week or so. My Aunt's boss called me up and gave me some tips for my resume as well as saying he'd forward it with his name behind me to a few office-related jobs. I'm down. So the idea is to have a job by the end of this week.
• We've found our prospective apartment: Miramonte Lodge (A Holland community). It's in the Milwaukie area (a suburb of Portland) and 2bed/2bath for about $800/mo. Cannot wait to get out of Dayton and closer to the city! An hour commute is a pain in the ass.
• Stumbled upon this brilliant little shop called Pansophie, a project moreso for the owner, Alex, who does chakra charts and compares them with Meyer's-Brigg's personality test. It's $50 per but she said she'd do mine for free (we chatted for about an hour on all sorts of things). She's really learned! I mentioned Manly P. Hall and she showed me her classics of his--jealous! And gave me some book recs to get started on my research. It was awesome. So on Wednesday Jes and I are gonna go figure out what our chakra points/downfalls and shit are. Excite!
• Bought a Algebra I book to refresh my memory on it, once I get that done, it's on to Algebra II and Geometry. I'll be going back to school (OFFICIALLY) in spring or summer next year, and I'm thinking Physics is going to be my major. I'm also interested in taking some art and creative writing classes. Woop. In state tuition after only 90 days of residence!
• Jes and I both need to renew our licenses from Florida to Oregon. On top of that we both need our SSC re-issued and to open up bank accounts.
• Slowly chugging along on LTTW. Finished the transfer from past to present tense. I'm dissatisfied with the ending, but depending on how I might change it, it might not change at all. I haven't touched the side-stories... that I plan to do tonight. The goal here is to finish my query letter by the end of November and have everything ready to be sent in December. So I'll be sending my query letter to about 14 publishing houses within the month. TIME TO GET THIS SHIT DONE.
• It's a month too early but I've been considering my 2013 resolutions. I've actually done very well on my 2012 resolutions--I've been reading, getting in better shape, growing my hair out, and I finally got the fuck out of Florida (permanently!)
- Keeping a daily dream journal & research notebook
- Focusing on health. [July 2013 GW: 150lbs] [December 31st 2012 GW: 220lbs] [CW: 235lbs] I've lost about 50lbs this year. :)
- Finding a house to rent to own
- Making new friends
- Hair at 16-18'' [Currently about 12'']
- Start working with horses again
- More reading/researching on chosen topics
- School [full time if I don't have a job by then]
• Saw Cloud Atlas and Perks of Being a Wallflower. Cloud Atlas... I need to see again with subtitles because true true slkgjlskjglskjg. It was well done though, which surprised me! Perks was cute. I have no need to read the book after that, though. It's pretty simplistic. Emma Watson does a great American accent! And Ezra Miller is convincingly gay AND CUTE AS FUCK. Also Fringe. Almost done with season 4. TBH I didn't like the sudden super-romance-driven plot. But that's just me.
• I remain a healthy SKEPTIC on the matters of MYSTICISM. It's just fascinating. Yup.
HAI.( MAH HAIR and stuffCollapse )
- Tags:!favourite, fandom:fringe, holidy:new years, • gradution + college life, • school and jobs, ≈ list, ☆彡 style:hair, ✂ photography, ✲ not goals | upcoming reality, ✿ films, ✿ films:actors
So I am going to attempt to simplify and objectively list, in short summation, the things in which I have been studying/doing lately. Leaving out the job hunting, bouts of classical depression, and working on my fiction... keep in mind my chosen icon is the personification of my FEELINGS on all I've studied/learned over the course of 2012.
Now... this entry is more for myself, and for any people on my f-list who give a fuck about the philosophic, esoteric, anti-dogmatic
which involves the occult because it's [basically been proven to me as of this point that it is] a misnomer terminology for the study of what is "known to be TRUE"; the study of symbolism, the universal language, which is upheld by the Mysteries AKA in short le secret societies. Masonic. Shit like that. So without further ado.
As of 2012 I have read, or am reading, or have purchased with intent to read:
• Fringe-ology; Steve Volk• The Secret Teachings of All Ages; Manly P. Hall
• Psychology & the Occult; C.G. Jung
• The Encyclopedia of Demons • Demonology; Rosemary Ellen Guilley
• Psychology & the East; C.G. Jung
• Instant Magick; Christopher Penczak
• Practical Sigil Magick; Frater U.D. **chaos magick
I'd like to complete this list by the end of 2012. 2013 will mark a purposeful year of study on these topics:
° Philosophy (All 6 headings in general: METAPHYSICS (crystals • stones, meditation, chakra/qi, lucid dreaming, astral realms/projection, past lives...) LOGIC, EPISTEMOLOGY, ETHICS, PSYCHOLOGY, AESTHETICS; Socrates, Platonism (• amnemnesis) • Neo-Platoism, Aristotle, ALL THE C.G JUNG, Relativism, Transcendentalism...)
° General world mythology, lore, and cosmology
° The history
and study of the occult, witchcraft, magick, demonology, angelology, dragons, faeries, gods and goddesses, paganism (will probably start with Celtic?), EVERYTHING...
° Psychical and empathic studies such as Tarot and palm reading, mentalist shit, practical and basic spell workings, chaos magic and Discordianism
° Mathematics and geometry (In depth, I need to re-learn. It now applies to my life why didn't I pay attention in school gdi!)
° Fringe sciences and conspiracy studies (the field, "new energy", aliens, NWO, time, etc)
By the end of 2013, I hope to at least have a basic and recitable knowledge of these topics. It might seem like a high hurdle, but this is my current (and ever-growing) non-fiction BOOK LIST
--and it seems plausible in the spanse of a year.
On top of this ocean of knowledge I will surely drown within; to put it simply, I found my purpose in life earlier this year, and have hence been slowly smoothing out the cracks and basics. I want to be a sponsored researcher, on the topics listed above--a privately sponsored researcher--or I want to fund myself.
I don't feel any less stressed or overwhelmed after writing all this... because I know, and this is a problem of mine, that it is in a scope I simply can't fill with words or lists. I'm just going to do as much as I can as quickly as I can, or die trying. Either way would be fine with me.
On a lighter note, I turn 21 this year. Yay?
- Tags:!2012 archive, ۞ discussion, ۞ philosophy & semantics, ۞ religion | law of attraction, → fuck this shit, ≈ list of life, ☁ the strange the weird the odd, ✡ magic & witchery, ✡ psychic is as psychic does, ✡ the supernatural, ✪ world domination, ✲ not goals | upcoming reality